Sunday, Aug. 04, 2002 + 8:25 p.m.
I used to smoke - legal AND illegal things. That was then this is now. I�m a mom � that says it all. But�..when I get a tiny taste of freedom��on one of the four days a year when I am privileged enough to go out into the world with my girlfriends (who, by the way, have all taken up smoking again) for a wild night of drinking, cussing, dancing and flirting � I WANT A CIGARETTE!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, I wouldn�t mind a cigarette right now. It�s a phenomenon I really don�t understand. I go out, have a drink, enjoy some loose conversation and there it is, just like that, �my life will not be complete in this totally perfect moment unless I have a cigarette�. It�s true that cigarettes are bad for your health, they stunt teenagers� growth, cause low birth-weight in babies � and those are all the POSITIVES of smoking. But���I want one. I really want one. I try to imagine having lung cancer, not a happy thought at all � I�ve known people in my life who�ve had this disease. It�s terrible. Not breathing is terrible. Dying can be terrible if it�s not done right. But���I still want one. I actually think the desire correlates directly with the feeling of teenage abandon and recklessness that I experience every time I get together with my girlfriends. There is definitely the rebellion factor, as well. My husband wouldn�t really LIKE IT if I was smoking. Not that he�d raise a ruckus or anything, but he sure wouldn�t be overjoyed. I think he�s worried that I�d take up the habit again like my girlfriends have. I have four girlfriends who quit smoking for YEARS and for whatever reason are now back up to freight train status. You�d think the unpleasantness of the cigarette smell would be a deterrent, too. No, it makes me feel bohemian. Just slap on some patchouli and a beret. OK, now I�m a beatnik. You see, I really can�t come up with one reason why I SHOULDN�T have that cigarette. I want it, it wants me. There�s no reason why we shouldn�t be together. And then I hear it�.. �Mommy!!!!!!� Well, there you go. Maybe I can sneak one after they�ve gone to sleep?
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
