Wednesday, Jul. 31, 2002 + 9:56 p.m.
 I think I have IBS (Irritable BUTT Syndrome). Perhaps that�s because I am an IB, but nonetheless it�s difficult to handle especially when you work 40 plus hours a week. I just thank God that I�m not a UPS delivery person. What do city bus drivers do when they get a bout of the RUNS? Is that what�s going on when you see a bus full of people pulled over on a busy road next to McDonalds? It�s bad enough to have to poop when you�re at work. Doubly bad if you�re a woman. Guys are different. I don�t know how or why, but their wiring doesn�t give them the message that anyone cares how they smell or what they sound like. Women CARE about their bodily sounds and smells as if it were some spiritual message to the universe, �This is who I am!� When it comes down to it, having been on both sides of this one, I must say that I have nothing but compassion for other butts in the ladies room. I exit quickly if it feels like someone really needs their privacy and I expect the same. The shame really kicks in, however, when you�re explosive slop comes rumbling out without any control of sound and scent. These fragrant gifts are embarrassing even when no one is able to recognize your shoes. They just ARE. At least when you�re at home and you�re planning a poop-fest, you can tell your family to �please exit the building as quickly and quietly as possible�. At work, you lack that luxury. Pooping in all it�s forms is a completely relaxing experience at home � you can organize for the event by gathering reading material and even a snack. Close the door, there are no bothersome shoe-recognition worries here. This is your safe haven. What you leave in the toilet stays in the toilet. If you make a mess, you have the tools to clean it up before someone else is privileged enough to view it. Aaaaaahhhhh. What relief. But at work � well, there are issues of �splash-up� when one is enduring a momentary bout of the squirts. That water wasn�t clean when you got there; I don�t care how clean it LOOKED. Now that you have poured the contents of your colon into it, you may have complete ownership, but it�s not something you want splashed on the side of the toilet making a mess or better yet, onto your derriere. At work, ladies rarely have the benefit of what I fondly refer to as, �poop spray�, you know, scented air freshener. This is especially helpful for those people who really like flower scented poop or winter breeze scented poop. I use it at home all the time. There�s nothing quite so unpleasant as plain poop scent AT WORK. Have you ever had an accident in the work potty that required a wet paper towel? I know I have. Wouldn�t it be helpful to have your own private sink INSIDE your stall? As a matter of fact, I think all Ladies� Restrooms need a major overhaul. These are my suggestions for each stall: 1. Clean Potty 2. Private Sink complete with NICE paper towels, not the sandpaper kind. 3. Which brings me to toilet paper. Nothing that sheds, but something soft. 4. Full length walls and door. Is that too much to ask? 5. A REAL GODDAMN TRASH CAN. I�m not touching it either, so it needs to have a foot pedal. 6. Tampon machine. I don�t want anyone watching me pick the Super Size Tampons. I�m not an Extra Value Meal, I just don�t want to have to throw my undies in the trash from using an almost toddler-size cork. 7. Poop spray � I like the ocean kind. 8. Noisemakers. OK � I�m done. I know it�ll never happen, but I can dream. After all, going to the bathroom a few measly times a day is just about the only solitude I get. Why should it be so unpleasant even if I do have to suffer from IBS? Someone really needs to re-evaluate the Ladies� Room. Oh, yeah, and a complimentary gas mask wouldn�t be bad either.
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
