Sunday, Nov. 24, 2002 + 5:53 p.m.
Do not confuse this WONDERFUL kitchen gadget with those other unworthy non-essentials such as the Ginsu knives, Vegetable Slicer, Snackmaster, Air-Sucker-Outer Clothing Storage Vacuum, Rhinestone and Stud Setter, Vegetable Steamer and the ever-popular Food Dehydrater. Don�t even get me going on that Goddamned George Foreman Grill!!!! It�s HUGE and makes everything taste like cardboard. I HATE that bastard!!! The grill, that is, not George. You have to love George. But��this was going to be different. My husband HAD to have one. I knew this would be another one of those things that sat around the house for seven or eight years until we had forgotten just how much work it takes to hold a yard sale and decided to toss another useless or as it may be, unused, item on the eternal flames of the yard sale bonfire. By the way, last year�s gross was $126. Ooooooohweeeeeee! So��I didn�t get him one. Each and every year the Euro-Sealer made its way onto my husband�s Christmas list or came up in coversation around his birthday as one of the things he�d REALLY REALLY like to have. �Honey, don�t you understand how USEFUL this is going to be? It�ll save us THOUSANDS in food we would have had to throw away because it got stale before it�s time,� he tried. I was not fooled. I kept thinking of our ten by ten foot kitchen and it�s already cluttered surfaces. I don�t even like the appliances we HAVE, much less want to acquire more. Less IS more. And we definitely had much more, which was actually much much more than I desired. Then one day about a month ago we�re walking through the mall and low and behold, there�s an �As Seen On TV� Store. I tried to divert my husband�s attention, but this retail beast was like some kind of super-magnet drawing him in. If I didn�t know any better, I�d say he was possessed. My heart sunk. I knew I wasn�t getting out of this one. I refused to go in the store. Not that it would have made any difference � he disappeared for all of twenty-seven seconds only to return with a tiny bag the size of a matchbox car. My husband�s face was glowing like a proud new father as he explained that it�s actually a TINY gadget and it�ll even stick to the fridge when not in use. OK � so he sucked me in for a minute. Maybe it was going to be OK after all. That was a whole month ago. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO NA�VE????????????? For the last thirty-odd days, my husband has been Euro-Sealing his ass off in MY kitchen. As soon as a chip is eaten out of a bag, the Euro Sealer is ripped from it�s home on the side of the fridge and sliding across the bag to preserve freshness. If you�d like a bowl of cereal � BEWARE! Super-Spouse�s bionic freshness sensors will have your cereal bag sealed and put away before a single frosted flake reaches the bowl. If your sole purpose in life is to have the freshest buns, bread, cereal, crackers, chips, cookies or pretzels you probably can�t understand my frustration, but since this obsession began, I haven�t had a moment�s peace. You see, while this do-hicky will lock freshness in and keep out bugs, etc, etc. � yeah, yeah, it�s the best thing ever, yatta, yatta, yatta���.sometimes things were just MEANT to go bad. I mean who wants that bag of pretzels to last for four years anyway? AND - every blasted time I go for some cereal, I have to break open the seal to pour it out of the bag. But the stupid seal doesn�t break open EVENLY and my cereal pours out all caddywhompus and then I have to put the shit in a damn Tupperware container, anyway!!!! Where�s the usefulness in that?? So, if you�ve ever wanted to have a Euro-Sealer and you see one at a yard sale, remember that things aren�t always what they seem. Steer clear. Or steer your spouse clear. I�m ready to Euro-Seal my husband�s ass cheeks together and set this gadget aflame!
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
