Friday, Nov. 22, 2002 + 9:29 p.m.
All I want for Christmas is a NEW TOILET. You heard it right. My toilet sucks, but not quite enough to be considered a good toilet. Just once I�d like to go for a pee without having to use the plunger. And those funky stains that just won�t go away no matter what toxic chemicals I introduce into the environment. They just sit there at the bottom of the bowl mocking me. Guests must think I never even clean that bastard because of those stains. They could easily be mistaken for some leftover unflushables. Ewwwww. But they�re not. Really. And when you actually do have to poop��God help you. The toilet is SUPPOSED to be one of those water-saving units to help CONSERVE water. Yeah. Right. Two, three or four flushes later��talk to me about water conservation. And I like a nicely cleaned butt, too. I use PLENTY of toilet paper. He (the toilet) really doesn�t like that. He wants to vomit up everything I give him before even giving it a chance to glide down. Good toilets are not cheap. Cheap toilets are not good. WE ONLY HAVE ONE TOILET IN OUR WHOLE HOUSE AND IT HAS TO BE THIS STUPID, NON-FUNCTIONING EVIL, POSSESSED PORCELAIN DEMON. So if you�re feeling generous this holiday season, please think of my desperate butt. I promise to be a good girl for the rest of all eternity. There�s NOTHING like a perfect, sparkling clean, fully-functioning toilet. Your pal,
Lostplatypus
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
