Wednesday, Jul. 17, 2002 + 4:36 p.m.
I was having a conversation with one of my married girlfriends who is new to the whole motherhood thing. We were talking shop and the subject of sex came up. I was mentioning how exhausting it is to work all day, come home, fix a meal, try to get your children to actually eat said meal, take care of bills, laundry, throw your children in bed and have twelve seconds of peace.Inevitably, my husband will say something like, �I�M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER�. Just like that. As if it�s supposed to mean something. And to him, it does. It means: I want to throw some hot monkey loving on you as soon as I get out. It will probably take less than ten minutes to complete the shower. It will take less than five minutes for the sex. Now, according to scientific theory, I SHOULD be smack-dab in the middle of my sexual peak. Where the Hell is it? Did I somehow get jipped by the Libido-Fairy? Did she instead skip off to my 90-year-old neighbor�s house with her magic wand? Is that why Mrs. Jones� lights are on at 1:00 a.m.? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I�m getting a little worried. As I was discussing with my girlfriend, even the slightest thought of getting all sweaty and exerting the miniscule amount of energy required for a couple of minutes of sex is unattractive to me at 10 o�clock on a weekday evening. Who the Hell does he think he is? I�ve been working all day! When I wasn�t at THE JOB, I was cooking, cleaning, explaining, bathing someone or yelling! That should be enough for one day!!! Now it is time to take off my bra, put on some soft jammies and watch some mindless television. I�ll be asleep in � you guessed it � LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES. Even if I did feel up to it at this incredibly late hour, there are PREPARATIONS involved. There is "freshening up" and sometimes pruning or shaving to do. This takes TIME - I remember the good old days when the idea of freshness wasn't even a thought. Aaaahhh, youth. After all, what did the pioneer women do? As my girlfriend reminded me, they not only skipped the freshening up, they were shucking corn while thy did the deed. My poor husband is beginning to wonder if he should put up some kind of sex calendar on the refrigerator to remind me that, �Yes, Honey, I know it seems like we just had sex, but actually it�s been 32 days � See? Look, it�s right here on the calendar.� I can�t blame him for his frustration, but I can now say that I think I understand what the problem is. You see, it�s a timing issue. Where�s my husband at 3:00 every afternoon? At work. Where SHOULD he be at 3:00 every afternoon? Getting it on with his sex-Goddess of a wife. My girlfriend agrees � and she�s a Stay-At-Home mom. At 3:00 in the afternoon her tot is snoozing away for almost two whole hours. It� Mommy-time! Where's Dad? Somewhere else. It�s as simple as this � It is a little known secret (it�s so secret that some women don�t even know this themselves, although they will realize it once they consider the facts) that all women want to have nasty, crazy, passionate, animal-sex at precisely 3 o�clock every afternoon. If you�re an at-home-mom, your kids are quietly napping, watching TV or reading. If you work, it�s the time of day when you�re gearing down just enough to notice the time. Well, it�s almost time to go home. Gee, I love my husband. I wonder what he�s doing right now�.. and all of a sudden, SCHWING, in a girlie sort of way. We�re off to the races or searching for battery-operated machinery. So, for all you sexually deprived men out there complaining to your wives who SHOULD BE experiencing the height of their sexual desire, THEY ARE. You�re just not around at 3 o�clock. Maybe you should take the afternoon off.
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
