Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004 + 2:36 p.m.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Now I find myself among those �commercial women� talking about trying to fit their sex life in between work, kids, cleaning and their horrible bingo habit. They say things like, �even if I had the desire, I�m just too tired after eating bon bons and watching soaps all day�. I�ve become one of THEM. Sort of the antithesis of a Stepford Wife. Maybe instead I�m a SPORTFED wife. Except my husband only likes golf. That sex-drive thing is really disturbing, though. My poor husband is starting to act out. He�s so easily aroused these days (especially in the kitchen, for whatever reason) that all I have to do is make small talk and he starts with his routine. Here�s an example of a typical evening while I�m preparing dinner: Me: Hi sweetie. How was your day? Him: What? You say you want me to whip it out?? Me: We�re having chicken for dinner. Do you want rice with dinner or is that too many carbs for you? Him: Oh, I�ll whip it out! Me: So that�s a yes for the rice??? Him: You want to touch it? Me: I think I hear the children screaming. Could you check that out? Him: That means they�re occupied. You want to go in the bedroom or do it here on the floor? Me: I�ve got chicken cooking! Him: That�s not all you�ve got cooking. Me: I think the kids are killing each other. Him: You say you want to SEE it? Me: Dinner will be ready in a minute. Him: All I NEED is a minute. It�s kind of like living with a 16 year old boy and I�m a geriatric. I have to admit that it gets pretty funny when he�s done it like 5 or 6 times in a night. Sometimes (especially in the kitchen) he�ll actually yank it out there just to show me he�s serious. This usually results in me laughing hysterically or squealing and running away before he tries to put my hand around it. This is especially difficult when I have a pot of something on the stove that I�m trying to fix for dinner. I guess that�s why he likes the kitchen so much. He knows that most of the time my hands are occupied and he can come up behind me and get grabby. I�m thinking that maybe we can solve our money problems if I rent him out as a stud for infertile couples. STUD FOR HIRE � No strings attached. Handsome, horny with decent genes. Testicles the size of bowling balls. Fertility-guaranteed. Comes with own iPod. Bonus: vast knowledge of porn film trivia. Make offer. And here�s a question for men: Why, when talking about penises, do men talk about �whipping� it out? Can�t they �take� it out or �pull� it out. It�s all so theatrical like they are brandishing some weapon of mass destruction or something. Life is not a porn flick, but I think in my husband�s next life he�s going to be a porn star. As for me��I guess I�m going to check out Avlimil. Happy F�ing Birthday.
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
