Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004 + 2:36 p.m.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Now I find myself among those “commercial women” talking about trying to fit their sex life in between work, kids, cleaning and their horrible bingo habit. They say things like, “even if I had the desire, I’m just too tired after eating bon bons and watching soaps all day”. I’ve become one of THEM. Sort of the antithesis of a Stepford Wife. Maybe instead I’m a SPORTFED wife. Except my husband only likes golf. That sex-drive thing is really disturbing, though. My poor husband is starting to act out. He’s so easily aroused these days (especially in the kitchen, for whatever reason) that all I have to do is make small talk and he starts with his routine. Here’s an example of a typical evening while I’m preparing dinner: Me: Hi sweetie. How was your day? Him: What? You say you want me to whip it out?? Me: We’re having chicken for dinner. Do you want rice with dinner or is that too many carbs for you? Him: Oh, I’ll whip it out! Me: So that’s a yes for the rice??? Him: You want to touch it? Me: I think I hear the children screaming. Could you check that out? Him: That means they’re occupied. You want to go in the bedroom or do it here on the floor? Me: I’ve got chicken cooking! Him: That’s not all you’ve got cooking. Me: I think the kids are killing each other. Him: You say you want to SEE it? Me: Dinner will be ready in a minute. Him: All I NEED is a minute. It’s kind of like living with a 16 year old boy and I’m a geriatric. I have to admit that it gets pretty funny when he’s done it like 5 or 6 times in a night. Sometimes (especially in the kitchen) he’ll actually yank it out there just to show me he’s serious. This usually results in me laughing hysterically or squealing and running away before he tries to put my hand around it. This is especially difficult when I have a pot of something on the stove that I’m trying to fix for dinner. I guess that’s why he likes the kitchen so much. He knows that most of the time my hands are occupied and he can come up behind me and get grabby. I’m thinking that maybe we can solve our money problems if I rent him out as a stud for infertile couples. STUD FOR HIRE – No strings attached. Handsome, horny with decent genes. Testicles the size of bowling balls. Fertility-guaranteed. Comes with own iPod. Bonus: vast knowledge of porn film trivia. Make offer. And here’s a question for men: Why, when talking about penises, do men talk about “whipping” it out? Can’t they “take” it out or “pull” it out. It’s all so theatrical like they are brandishing some weapon of mass destruction or something. Life is not a porn flick, but I think in my husband’s next life he’s going to be a porn star. As for me……I guess I’m going to check out Avlimil. Happy F’ing Birthday.
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I am the Grim Reaper! Master of all that is |
